Living Dangerously

A lot has transpired since my last post.

Celebrate Recovery didn't turn out to be the program for me. It is a great program, but it just didn't fit me. I realized that I had been depending on confirmation of God's will from outside sources. While praying on whether or not I should go through CR, I allowed the encouraging of CR members to be my confirmation. It was a lesson I needed to learn. Sometimes we are blessed with confirmation of His will through our environment, friends, fellow believers, and family; but, in order to maintain the close relationship that we’re created to have with Him, ultimate dependence needs to be in Christ alone. Patience is not a strong point for me, but He is teaching me. I am learning how to wait. I am learning how to act on His word and amazed when the reactions and consequences align. I am still dealing with the same issues that led me to consider CR but I believe that I will always have temptation in those areas. James 1:2-3 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." This is a truth I believe, that I choose to stand on.

After struggling through the emotions going into and then leaving CR, I felt a bit down on myself. Even though I knew it was the right decision, I felt like I had somehow failed. I tried to gather myself and refocus. Summer flew by and then it was fall, and the church was asking ME to lead a small group during the next Women’s Bible Study. I am still amazed at that. I in no way feel qualified to lead anyone, especially myself. I suck at it. I prayed. Lord, really?? ME?? I talked with close friends and my mom. I probably do too much of that when it comes to making a decision: too much talking, not enough praying and listening. However, from God, there was never a “No, not you” response. So I said “Yes, I can.” He has given and will continue to give me all that I need to fulfill His plan for my life. All I have to do is accept and say “Yes, I can” or “Si, Yo puedo!” It sounds more fun in Spanish. Anyway, leading a small group was a great experience. I was very nervous. I cry when I pray out loud, how was I going to pray over this group? There are going to be more experienced women in this group, what will they think of inexperienced me leading them? Oh, the doubts tried to reign supreme before and after. Did I do well? Did I show Him in me? Truthfully, some of those doubts found some ground to grow roots because once again my focus on Christ alone wavered. I was doing this study and that study, volunteering every weekend, working, and then there were events with friends and family. Sheesh! I get tired just reading all that.

Holy days came and went, and now it is January 5^th, 2011. I keep hearing the cliché, “New Year, New you!” in my head. Maybe the difference is that I don’t want it to be a cliché. I am tired of the ennui, of being discontented with my life but doing nothing to change it. “The beast in Jamesian grove will never jump, compelling hero’s dull career to crisis.” (Ennui, Sylvia Plath) I sat in the arena waiting for the beast to find me, feeling as if it were waiting on the other side of the gate but never going to check. I sat in our candlelight service in December and talked to God. I was overwhelmed with frustration that another year had passed and I had yet to move beyond the previous year, and the previous year, stuck in the rut of ennui. I begged God, “This year, please let this year be different. I am tired of this circle, never ending, never growing. Please help me move beyond the sidelines of my own life!” Christmas Eve we had communion and I prayed the same prayer, committing it to the Lord. I need it, I want it, I yen for it to be more than a temporary, annual resolution. I long for it to be permanent, enduring change. Good habits replace bad, becoming healthy inside and out.

Now for the living dangerously part. I am not a super spy or stunt woman. I don’t live in a bad neighborhood. I don’t build sky scrapers, work in a coal mine, or fish for crabs. I am your average girl next door, living in a quiet suburban neighborhood not even 50 miles from where I was born. I like my life, I love my family, and love my friends. So, how do you ask, am I living dangerously? I am endeavoring to live beyond my emotional and spiritual comfort zone, to break out of my own self-appointed ennui and discover a world beyond myself. I want to be a Jesus freak but the thought is intimidating. I want to be a healthier me but I find that intimidating too; I know I can do the work but this body in this state is all I’ve ever known. I don’t like the idea of how much attention the weight loss and thinner me might bring. I don’t like speaking in public, but I often picture myself doing just that. I often wonder if that is part of the plan God has in store for me. I have a desire to share my story but have not (yet) the guts to do so.

Living Dangerously. I believe for me, in this moment of time, it is simply living and standing firm in God’s truths, both publicly and privately. Not being afraid to speak truth in a world that thrives on lies and image perception. If I allow the perception of others to sway my ability to speak out, speak clear, speak truth, then I am putting myself back into the arena to wait for the beast. Living dangerously for me is striving for a close relationship with Christ and allowing Him to mold me into the woman He desires for me to be. Looking at the Women of Faith leaders, looking at my church leaders, and our Bible Study writers – these are my examples. I am grateful for the umpteenth chance to try and try again, but daily I pray that this time will be different. This time the changes will last, pour in like lava and cool to hard obsidian. Burned alive to die and live again.

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. ~ Romans 15:13 New Living Translation