Living Dangerously

A lot has transpired since my last post.

Celebrate Recovery didn't turn out to be the program for me. It is a great program, but it just didn't fit me. I realized that I had been depending on confirmation of God's will from outside sources. While praying on whether or not I should go through CR, I allowed the encouraging of CR members to be my confirmation. It was a lesson I needed to learn. Sometimes we are blessed with confirmation of His will through our environment, friends, fellow believers, and family; but, in order to maintain the close relationship that we’re created to have with Him, ultimate dependence needs to be in Christ alone. Patience is not a strong point for me, but He is teaching me. I am learning how to wait. I am learning how to act on His word and amazed when the reactions and consequences align. I am still dealing with the same issues that led me to consider CR but I believe that I will always have temptation in those areas. James 1:2-3 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." This is a truth I believe, that I choose to stand on.

After struggling through the emotions going into and then leaving CR, I felt a bit down on myself. Even though I knew it was the right decision, I felt like I had somehow failed. I tried to gather myself and refocus. Summer flew by and then it was fall, and the church was asking ME to lead a small group during the next Women’s Bible Study. I am still amazed at that. I in no way feel qualified to lead anyone, especially myself. I suck at it. I prayed. Lord, really?? ME?? I talked with close friends and my mom. I probably do too much of that when it comes to making a decision: too much talking, not enough praying and listening. However, from God, there was never a “No, not you” response. So I said “Yes, I can.” He has given and will continue to give me all that I need to fulfill His plan for my life. All I have to do is accept and say “Yes, I can” or “Si, Yo puedo!” It sounds more fun in Spanish. Anyway, leading a small group was a great experience. I was very nervous. I cry when I pray out loud, how was I going to pray over this group? There are going to be more experienced women in this group, what will they think of inexperienced me leading them? Oh, the doubts tried to reign supreme before and after. Did I do well? Did I show Him in me? Truthfully, some of those doubts found some ground to grow roots because once again my focus on Christ alone wavered. I was doing this study and that study, volunteering every weekend, working, and then there were events with friends and family. Sheesh! I get tired just reading all that.

Holy days came and went, and now it is January 5^th, 2011. I keep hearing the cliché, “New Year, New you!” in my head. Maybe the difference is that I don’t want it to be a cliché. I am tired of the ennui, of being discontented with my life but doing nothing to change it. “The beast in Jamesian grove will never jump, compelling hero’s dull career to crisis.” (Ennui, Sylvia Plath) I sat in the arena waiting for the beast to find me, feeling as if it were waiting on the other side of the gate but never going to check. I sat in our candlelight service in December and talked to God. I was overwhelmed with frustration that another year had passed and I had yet to move beyond the previous year, and the previous year, stuck in the rut of ennui. I begged God, “This year, please let this year be different. I am tired of this circle, never ending, never growing. Please help me move beyond the sidelines of my own life!” Christmas Eve we had communion and I prayed the same prayer, committing it to the Lord. I need it, I want it, I yen for it to be more than a temporary, annual resolution. I long for it to be permanent, enduring change. Good habits replace bad, becoming healthy inside and out.

Now for the living dangerously part. I am not a super spy or stunt woman. I don’t live in a bad neighborhood. I don’t build sky scrapers, work in a coal mine, or fish for crabs. I am your average girl next door, living in a quiet suburban neighborhood not even 50 miles from where I was born. I like my life, I love my family, and love my friends. So, how do you ask, am I living dangerously? I am endeavoring to live beyond my emotional and spiritual comfort zone, to break out of my own self-appointed ennui and discover a world beyond myself. I want to be a Jesus freak but the thought is intimidating. I want to be a healthier me but I find that intimidating too; I know I can do the work but this body in this state is all I’ve ever known. I don’t like the idea of how much attention the weight loss and thinner me might bring. I don’t like speaking in public, but I often picture myself doing just that. I often wonder if that is part of the plan God has in store for me. I have a desire to share my story but have not (yet) the guts to do so.

Living Dangerously. I believe for me, in this moment of time, it is simply living and standing firm in God’s truths, both publicly and privately. Not being afraid to speak truth in a world that thrives on lies and image perception. If I allow the perception of others to sway my ability to speak out, speak clear, speak truth, then I am putting myself back into the arena to wait for the beast. Living dangerously for me is striving for a close relationship with Christ and allowing Him to mold me into the woman He desires for me to be. Looking at the Women of Faith leaders, looking at my church leaders, and our Bible Study writers – these are my examples. I am grateful for the umpteenth chance to try and try again, but daily I pray that this time will be different. This time the changes will last, pour in like lava and cool to hard obsidian. Burned alive to die and live again.

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. ~ Romans 15:13 New Living Translation

Celebrate Recovery

Romans 3:21 - 26

But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.

I started my covenant on Good Friday and fell behind a few weeks in. I allowed life to get in the way of the giver of Life. "...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." Well, that's me. By God's love, grace, and forgiveness I move forward and renew my covenant. I tie myself back on to his rope, closer than I was before. I begin the climb again.

Three weeks ago I joined the Celebrate Recovery group at my church. Hurts, habits, hang-ups, and addictions. OH boy are those hard to verbalize! The work that God started in me through Breaking Free, I want to continue in Celebrate Recovery. My first night, I sat in the parking lot asking God if this was the right step all the while knowing the answer - YES. All the abundance that he is offering me is locked away, hung up on my hang ups. At the women's retreat, Naomi Beard said it - What is holding you back? Ummm, me, myself, and I? I knew I had to admit things that up until recently had been a part of my inner thoughts. Also at the retreat, we symbolically burned all our past hurts and things that were holding us back. God moved through all of us that night in a powerful and healing way. I was now ready to face the darkness in my life and bring it into the light. Where there is light there can not be darkness!

Back in the parking lot on my first night at CR, I was nervous. A new group of people to try to win over, and I had to reveal my inner thoughts to them? Oh come on Lord, really? YES But this group is so accepting that you can't help but feel at home from the moment you walk in. Regardless, I sat there nervous and unsure, and I wrote. A release I needed. And now I share it with you in the hope something will speak to you as well.

Knowing that abundance awaits

What am I so afraid of

Hurts, habits, and hang-ups

Big and small

Self destructive and selfish

Embarrassed and ashamed

But no judgement awaits

Confession is good for the soul they say

And my soul needs to confess

Full of knots am I

Deeper still peace takes hold

Peace of calming waters

Waters seeping and dripping

Waters soothing and cooling open wounds

Waters soaking into every pore

Waters soaking into every cavity

Your waters fill me up

Peace trumps nervousness

Love conquers fear

Abundance awaits

One grateful day at a time

Covenant

Scripture
Deuteronomy 29:13 - By entering into the covenant today, he will establish you as his people and confirm that he is your God, just as he promised you and he swore to your ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.



Observation
By committing to God, holding true to his covenant with us, I can receive the life he has planned for me, the blessing he has for me, and the love he gave to me.


Application
April 2, 2010 I entered into a covenant with God. I committed that for a year I would devote time to him daily - quiet, alone time. It is time to start being an obedient daughter - spending alone time with him, in his word, and in prayer.


Prayer
Dear God, my goal is to know you more, to learn in your word and presence. I pray for the continued discipline that can grow into determination and diligence.

Am I against him?

Scripture:
Luke 11:23 - Anyone who isn't with me opposes me, and anyone who isn't working with me is actually working against me.

Observation:
Jesus had been casting out demons before he said this. He saw the rebelliousness in everyone around him and yet he drew the line so clearly. No gray zone, no straddling the fence - you are in or you are out.

Application:
I can straddle that fence by acting more like a child of the world than the daughter of Christ I know that I am.

Prayer:
Dearest Jesus, I want to always be your daughter. May your Holy Spirit always guide me to stay in your light and not to straddle that fence. You knew me before I was born and have a plan for my life. I desire that plan above all. May I remember that always.

Seeking God

Scripture:
Luke 11:10 (NLT) For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

Observation:
Only in seeking and asking God will we find our answers. In asking for His will and seeking His will, I find the path laid out before me.

Application:
I have specific requests but if they are not the Lord's will then I don't want them. The hardest thing is accepting that what I long for may not be what is best and blessed for me.

Prayer:
Oh God, you know the desires of my heart. Most of all, Lord, I desire your will, so if my desires are not part of your plan I ask you to remove them and replace them with your desires.

Wisdom and work

Scripture:
Proverbs 12:14 - From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things as surely as the work of his hands rewards him. (NIV)

Observation:
New Living Translation: Wisdom brings many benefits, and hard work brings reward.

Application:
Wisdom is a gift from god, hard work is to His glory. I am wise to remember that through hard work for Him, I will receive rewards and blessings. If I am diligent in my study of His word, my wisdom will grow. The Holy Spirit within will grow and guide me.

Prayer:
Lord, guide my tongue, curb it. Grant me wisdom as I grow in you to help me discern in difficult decisions.